Teaching Toddlers About Feelings: Emotional Intelligence From Age 2

We teach children their colours, their numbers and their letters. We rarely teach them what frustrated means, or what to do with it. Yet knowing what you feel, and what helps, is one of the skills that shapes a life: at school, with friends, and much later at work and at home.

School rarely has time to teach this directly in the early years, so most of it happens at home. The good news is that it takes no special equipment, just words, play and a lot of patience. This is what helps in our house, and what early-years research says.

Why it's worth teaching

Feelings are easier to handle once they have a name. In a brain-imaging study with adults, simply putting a feeling into words calmed the brain's alarm response. And across 79 studies of children aged 2 to 6, programmes that taught children about feelings in nurseries and preschools helped them understand and manage their emotions.

A child who can say "I'm angry" has an option besides hitting. A child who can say "I'm worried" can be helped.

The first feeling words

Start with four big ones, and add more as your child grows:

• The first four: happy, sad, angry, scared.
• Next: tired, excited, worried, surprised, frustrated, proud.
• Later: jealous, lonely, embarrassed, disappointed, calm.

Use the words for your own feelings too: "I'm feeling frustrated because the car won't start. I'm going to take a big breath." Children learn more from what you do than from what you explain.

Five ways to teach feelings through play

1. Name it in stories. Pause when reading: "How do you think the bear feels? How can you tell?" Faces in picture books are a feelings lesson on every page.
2. Feelings faces. Make faces in the mirror together: show me sad, show me surprised. Then guess each other's.
3. Where do you feel it? Angry can feel hot in the face, worried like a tight tummy, happy like a fizzy feeling. Noticing the body is the first warning a feeling is getting big.
4. Pretend play. Teddy is scared of the dark; the bunny is sad her tower fell. Playing it out lets a child practise words and solutions without the pressure of a real meltdown. Our guide to pretend play and dollhouses has more.
5. Feelings check-in. At dinner or bedtime: "What made you happy today? Did anything make you sad?" Share yours first.

What to say in the moment

At the peak of a big feeling, a toddler can't learn anything. Stay close, stay calm and wait. When the storm starts to pass:

• Name it for them. "You were really angry when it was time to go."
• Accept the feeling, limit the action. "It's okay to be angry. It's not okay to hit. You can stomp your feet instead."
• Offer a way to calm down. Slow breaths, a hug, a quiet corner. Our guide to calm-down activities for toddlers has seven that work.
• Talk about it later, when everyone is calm: "What could we do next time?"

Avoid "don't be sad" or "big kids don't cry". They teach that feelings are wrong, not how to handle them.

What to expect by age

These are typical milestones from the CDC. Every child gets there at their own pace.

• By 3: calms down within about 10 minutes after you leave them, for example at childcare drop-off; notices other children and joins them to play.
• By 4: pretends during play; comforts a friend who is hurt or sad; likes to be a helper.
• By 5: follows rules and takes turns in games with other children.

Around four and five, many children can start to say why they feel something and to choose a way to calm down with a little help. Our school readiness checklist puts feelings next to reading, numbers and independence.

Where Lulu helps

We're building Tiny Hands Feel, free for every family, because we believe every child should learn to understand their feelings, wherever they're born and whatever their family can afford. Lulu the turtle talks your child through a calm-down out loud, so even children who can't read can follow along. When it launches it will include guided calm-downs, a bedtime wind-down that ends with the screen going dark, and a game about feelings: what does sad look like, where do you feel angry, and what helps? You can try a one-minute calm-down with Lulu today.

This is a parent's experience, not medical advice. If you're worried about your child's behaviour or emotions, talk to your doctor or child health nurse.

Questions parents ask

At what age can toddlers understand emotions?

Long before they can name them. Toddlers react to faces and voices from the start; many start using simple feeling words like happy, sad and angry around two or three, especially when they hear them often.

How do I teach my toddler to name feelings?

Name feelings out loud, theirs and yours, many times a day, in stories, play and real moments. Start with happy, sad, angry and scared.

Are tantrums a sign my child can't manage feelings?

No. Tantrums are an ordinary part of being two or three. Teaching feelings won't stop them overnight, but over time it gives a child words and tools to use instead.